Saying "no" to gossip can bring rejection, p 2

We can all identify with the allure of gossip and complaining.  I grew up in a small town where it seemed everybody knew (and was in) everybody's business.  I remember sitting at my grandparents' table listening to them rehearse the faults of others.  It was done with lots of humor, which only made it harder to recognize as unhealthy.

We’re all made for the “shared life” of authentic community.  But the strength of community can be undermined by gossip and complaining just as much as physically destructive behavior.

Here are some practical ways to build new patterns of relating if you struggle with gossip and/or complaining.

Look intently at the perspective God gives in the Bible.

Do everything without complaining and arguing Philippians 2:14 

A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man [or woman] who talks too much Proverbs 20:19

All day long I have stretched out My hands to a people unyielding and disobedient and self-willed [to a faultfinding, contrary, and contradicting people]. Romans 10:21 Amplified

Rather, let our lives lovingly express truth [in all things, speaking truly, dealing truly, living truly]. Enfolded in love, let us grow up in every way and in all things into Him Who is the Head, [even] Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed One).  Ephesians 4:15 Amplifed

Recognize the subtle ways gossip is expressed

I.e., under the guise of “being concerned” needing to share “how I feel” or a “prayer request.”

Give yourself to the ways God transforms character.  

Spiritual formation occurs through learning new practiced habits through the empowering presence of Jesus.

Dallas Willard explains,

Spiritual formation in the tradition of Jesus Christ is the process of transformation of the inmost dimension of the human being, the heart, which is the same as the spirit or will. It is being formed (really, transformed) in such a way that its natural expression comes to be the deeds of Christ done in the power of Christ.

The progression of spiritual formation is outlined in various passages of the New Testament. It is most fully spelled out in II Peter 1: "Now since you have become partakers of the divine nature,” the writer says, "applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge; and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness; and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love." (vv. 4-7)

Hang out with people who have learned to say “no” to gossip and complaining - we are apprenticed to right actions - through relationship and example.

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm.  Proverbs 13:20

Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, Or you will learn his ways And find a snare for yourself.  Proverbs 22:24-25

As the Apostle Paul said “Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 11:1

A young guy was in small group reading the teachings of Jesus and recognized the stark contrast of his own behavior and negative perspective of others.  He felt undone, honestly shared about the struggle and asked for prayer.  Over the course of several months he practiced praying before reacting (right when the thoughts came into his mind) and noticed significant change..., more love, less judgment, new habits.  That's the way of Jesus!

Pray: ask God to help you grow in this area.  What can you expect?

• He will put you in a place where gossip and complaining happen (where else can we learn?)
• He will make you aware of it and give you a level of discomfort (which will become your cue if you keep responding)
• He will test you by allowing you to experience rejection and misunderstanding when you say “no”

Finally, be kind

Saying “no” to gossip and complaining can be done in an unhelpful way, almost like you are slapping someone’s hand.  Making others feel as though you are better than them or being harsh is unhelpful.  The tone of humility and kindness, together with standing your ground is essential. 

Recently I interrupted a person going down the trail of gossip by sharing something positive about the other person.  That only served to fuel the fire and they reacted "you don't really know what a jerk they are..."  Then I asked if we could pray for the person.  They seemed even more agitated, as if to say "why would we do that, unless you mean praying God will rain down fire on them..."  Finally, I had to ask "do you think they are beyond hope?"  The conversation ended awkwardly and I left wondering if I'd done the right thing.  But later they called to apologize and say how they needed to let go of their issues...  

Not all situations end that well.  We all need to be reminded to let go of issues and say "no" to gossip and complaining.

Saying “no” to gossip can bring rejection

Imagine you are 10 years old and your typical family dinner consists of complaining: if it’s not the neighbors, it’s the government, somebody’s boss, the economy, etc.  It feels like we’re always getting “the short end of the stick,” being wronged, ripped off, or mistreated by someone. Then there is the tidbit of hearsay about someone…

This is so customary; you’re surprised when visiting your friend Jesse Kline’s house for dinner.  They aren’t complaining, they are talking about their day, laughing, joking, and asking each other questions.  You don’t know what to say, and nervously interject with the latest: “Hey, did you hear that Jack’s dad got fired because he did some bad stuff at work?”  Pause, awkward silence.

You try again, “My dad says Jack’s father got what was coming to him, just like all those other people who think they should get a free ride.”

Mr. Kline says “Well, we should pray for Jack and his dad right now!”  As if on cue, they all bow their heads and Mr. Kline prays with a sense of caring for Jack and his family.  Weird…yet it seems right.

Over the next few years you can’t wait to be invited over to the Kline’s.  It’s like a breath of fresh air.  They are refreshingly honest, and yes, whenever anything negative about others comes up it gets stopped, and many times turns to prayer.

Fast forward 8 years: you’re away at college.  A few years back you surrendered your life to Jesus when attending a local church with the Kline’s.  Everything seemed to come together: a sense of purpose, being loved, hope for the future.  You are in a new setting looking to make friends in a new community. 

Some other students at the local church invite you to be “in community.”  You check out a small group and something unexpected happens.  It’s like you are back with your family at the dinner table.  People are gossiping about another girl in the church, complaining about things they don’t like.  You’re so uncomfortable and naturally blurt out “Hey, let’s stop right now and pray for her.”  The time with Kline’s and walking with Jesus has changed the way you respond.

However, everybody in the group looks at you as though you’re from another planet.  You just crossed a line.  One person comes up afterwards and says, “We were just sharing from our heart and this group is supposed to be safe.”  Another chimes in, “Yeah, nobody’s perfect and we try to not be judgmental of others."  

You ask about the girl they were talking about, sheepishly saying it sounded like they were gossiping.  One person says, “Oh, she’s awesome and I really care about her, and wouldn’t say anything bad about her.  But you know…”

Then the kicker, the guy who invited you to the group says on the way out, “If you’re gonna judge, this may not be the group for you.”  You leave confused, conflicted, feeling rejected and wondering if this is what being “in community” is like.

Driving away you pray and ask God to help you.  You may not be aware but He is smiling, and proud of you.  What you know deep in your heart is true: gossip and complaining are not healthy.  You can’t go back to those old patterns and you desperately need to be in healthy community.  You ask Jesus to lead you in how to respond going forward... (to be continued)