Unhelpful responses to suffering

I was a teenager when my grandfather was in the hospital for the last months of his life, struggling with emphysema, never quite able to catch his breath. His eyes were darting around, never comfortable (like anyone who can't breathe). I kept asking him if he needed anything and he would look at me, shaking his head slightly, obviously irritated.

Finally, I asked if he just wanted me to sit quietly with him. He smiled and nodded, as though I'd come across the secret he'd been wanting me to know. A sense of relief overtook me. It was as though my anxiety had been taking some of his breath away. And I can still remember just looking at him. It was as though I was beginning to see him - his desperation, his loneliness, his heart. And I began to be aware of how much God really loved him and was so near.

How we respond to suffering can be quite unhelpful, as I've learned the hard way...

Here are some of the worst things we can say to others:

"God only gives us what we can handle, so He must've known you were a strong person"

"The Lord gives us grace to handle whatever comes our way"

"I know exactly how you feel"

"I know somebody who went through something like what you're going through" (followed by sharing someone else's long story)

"God must have needed them in heaven" or "God must have needed another angel"

"It must have been the Lord's will" which implies He desired this to happen.

Again, none of these is helpful.

Our sincere desire to help, mixed with the need to alleviate our own discomfort produces responses like this. We mistakenly think correct information will remove suffering.

Like if we could only "download our file" into someone else's grief, their "operating system" would be greatly improved. People don't need downloads or forwards, they need someone to be with them.

Think of the most quoted Psalm, the one most people pick in their time of loss. "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.... Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for You help me understand all the reasons why I'm here." No! It is "for You are WITH me."

The Lord my Shepherd, Jehovah Rohi in Hebrew. What a beautiful picture of His tender care when we like vulnerable sheep are in desperate need.

We need to experience Him being "with us" so we can "be with" others. We need a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

The most helpful response to other's suffering is just what we need - "I'm so sorry" without trying to fix people. Healing comes from the Good Shepherd. Just reading the Scripture out loud to another without trying to explain it (it is amazing how the Holy Spirit can bring comfort through His Word).

The depth of love in a relationship can sometimes be seen in what is unsaid, savoring closeness without being invasive, asking questions, listening, being un-rushed and tuned in.

In the next few posts I'm going to keep looking at the issue of suffering...

s p a c e

I've been pondering the value of space...

Not just physical space, but mental, spiritual and emotional space. It seems such a rare and unexplored commodity, it could be seen as the final frontier.

Recently I read "a life of hurry can become superficial. When we rush, we skim the surface, and fail to make real connections with the world or other people." (Carl Honore)

• According to one poll, the average working parent spends twice as much time on email as playing with their children.
• In Japan, parents now book their kids into twenty-four hour "child-minding" centers.
• In a poll of British adults, 1/2 said their hectic schedules had caused them to lose touch with their friends.

Alexis de Tocqueville blamed the shopping instinct for messing up the pace of life: "He who sets his heart exclusively upon the pursuit of worldly welfare is always in a hurry, for he has but a limited time at his disposal to reach, to grasp, and to enjoy it." He said that in the 1830's, scary!

It seems that Sabbath has more benefit than just a day off work. We have been wired to operate most effectively when we have space. If we miss out on sleep, down-time between activities, regular days off, and stuff that renews us, fact is, we simply miss out and our bodies let us know by eventually getting sick or crashing.

I know my levels of creativity and effectiveness suffer greatly when there is no space.

I'm all for the latest in technology. But sadly I can find myself enslaved to "time-saving" devices. Many times I've started to unscrew something only to spend 15 minutes looking for my cordless drill (hidden away in one of my son's "projects"). I could have used a regular screwdriver, but why do that when I can be saving time.?!

One thing I've worked on this past year is spending some time alone with God when I'm not doing anything. I am focusing on Him and thinking about Him, but I'm not reading, talking or writing. To "be still and know that I am God" is not very easy, and to just "be with" Jesus can be quite uncomfortable.

However, I never come away from those times without being more aware of God's transcendence and feeling refreshed.

I can't imagine the branch on the vine producing any more fruit by stressing out.

Father, help me to understand the way you've made me so I can bring glory to Your Name.

You are the Good Shepherd. Empower me to sprint when I need to, to lie down when you're making me lie down. Help me to muse upon your goodness during every activity, by quiet streams of water and in heavy traffic. Help me to be still and know that you are God. And grant me courage to say "no" to busyness, so I can say "yes" to your leadership. In the name of Jesus. Amen.